It happened yesterday, with all thats been going on, I went to the Childrens Assesment Center in Kirby, I did what I had to do to get it over with, and talked with the people I had to talk to, and talked to the medical examiner, I remember our conversation quite perfectly.
Medical Examiner: “Hello Paloma, I’m Dr._____, I’m not a doctor doctor but I’m more of childrens pediactric doctor, a pediactrist, and I don’t know the full details about your story, they only gave me one paragraph and I mean, cmon, how much can one paragraph really tell me, but please, make yourself comfortable, don’t be scared, I’m gonna ask you a few questions and when I’m done we’ll get down to the medical exam, I’ll tell you what we’ll do, and afterwards you can change and have your mom come in by your side if you’d like, so my first question is, how do you feel now? Before and after the event?”
Me: “Dead. Dead. Dead. I’ve tried killing myself so many times but god won’t let me die. I feel like settig myself on fire and holding onto someone to burn together with me. I feel like drowning in gasoline and setting myself on fire, I feel like drowning in a lake no one knows about. I feel like over dosing on something. I don’t want to eat, I don’t feel like I deserve to I feel like theres other people that need food more than I do. I tried changing myself on the outside so many times because I can’t change how I feel on the inside. I’ve died since that day. I haven’t been the same, I changed. I don’t want to be touched or loved. I’m afraid to love. I can’t sleep, I’ve never been able to quite sleep peacefully, and its hard to remember when I have so. I’m hurting really bad, and I’m upset at the fact I’m a danger to myself and to others. I’m sick of pretending to be the happy funny kid when I know damn well I’m not okay! I can show you my scars, I can show you my hip bones, I can show you how easy it is for me to puke my guts out, I can take off my makeup and show you how much I don’t sleep, but what I can’t show you is me being okay. I don’t understand how such simple words that he said affected me this bad. Fat, ugly, and desperate. I feel worthless! WORTHLESS! EMPTY! USED! LIKE IM APART OF SOME SICK GAME OF HIS!”
I showed her my scars, how much I was losing weight, I took off my eye makeup, I didn’t puke cause my stomach was hurting.
Medical Examiner: “A therapist will be able to help but I have the perfect people in mind that you’d be perfect for, they’re a team at the Memorial Herman Hospital, they are a team of specialists that specialize in helping you work with problematic areas for you. It’ll be like cleaning your room, they’ll help you get rid of the bad stuff you don’t want to keep, and you get the keep what you feel is good about yourself. You will get help, I will get you help that you need. They’re called Internal Medicine, they are all a team of people that will work on you, but you will still need to go to one on one therapy sessions here and even group sessions, it’ll be really beneficial the group sessions because once you see that you can relate to how they’ve felt, you’ll be like ‘hey, I felt like that too.’ you know?”
Me: ”..I’m sorry for crying it just hurts to talk about it.”
Medical Examiner: “No no, don’t worry, its okay to feel like this but whats not okay is the way you feel the need to deal with things in a harmful way, especially when those feelings all keep pushing you to kill yourself when you shouldn’t, but please know I will get you help. You are a victim, its not your fault. There’s sick people out there that will make you feel guilty, sick, disgusted with yourself, worthless but that doesn’t mean you should go through it in silence.”
Me: “I didn’t want to tell anybody in the first place, I was never gonna tell anybody, but since the date was approaching I freaked out, and I didn’t want to worry my mom or anything, or go through anything, the process is scary.”